I often reflect back on how I knew that we were going to do this IVF thing and we were going to be in it together. Before my husband and I got married, we would talk about the children we were going to have, we would dream about our future family, talk about how we would raise our kids, heck we have had a little girl name picked out, set in stone, for a couple years now. Sometimes I brought up the conversation, “What if we can’t have babies?” “What if we have to seek help to have a family?” and when someone close to me had to go through IVF, I remember asking him, “What if we have to do that someday?” Now, keep in mind, we didn’t know what our future held at this point, it was just a conversation. I remember we always came to the conclusion that we would do anything we could to have our own babies. There was never a doubt in our mind that we would ever give up if it came down to it.
I remember I used to get so frustrated with AJ because he would tell me that he couldn’t wait for me to have his children, or he couldn’t wait for me to be a mother to his children, or he couldn’t wait to have a family with me. The reason I became frustrated is because at that point in my life all I wanted to hear was, “I can’t wait to marry you someday” or “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” Now, if you really dig down deep and think about it, he was saying what I wanted to hear just in a different way. He was telling me he couldn’t wait for our future together and for us to have our own little family. This is a direct reflection on how important family is to my husband.
Fast forward to trying to have a baby and getting let down every month. Some months I would cry when my period came and he would hold me and tell me not to worry because we would have children one way or another and it would happen in time. It just wasn’t our time yet. Now let’s jump to learning that IVF was going to be our solution and that is the ONLY way we could have these children that we’ve dreamed about for years. It definitely was a tough pill to swallow. I would often pick AJ’s brain and I think the reason behind it was, I needed to feel better and I needed to hear his response to make me feel better. I would tell him that I bet he wished he would have known this before marrying me, or I would apologize for being this way, or I would tell him that this would be a good reason for him to leave me because I know just how much having kids meant to him. He was always quick to reassure me that it wasn’t my fault and he still loved me so much.
Then one day he said this, “I would rather be with you and not have kids than not be with you and have kids.” Okay, cue the tears. All of the tears. That man. Wow. What in the world did I do right in my 24 years of life to end up with a man like this? Wow.
Ever since that day, I knew that we had this. I knew that we were going to go through this storm together and when we come out of it, we would still be hand in hand. I know that our relationship is as solid as it gets. Not everyone finds a love this deep, strong and dependable but we have found it and I thank God every single day for that man. He will tell you over and over again that he’s the lucky one, but truth be told, I really am the lucky one.