Choices

Hi all –  long time, no talk. We’re still here trucking along.

I know we’ve been fairly quiet since letting you all know that our transfer failed, but turns out that some days are still a bit difficult. I still find it hard to spend a lot of time away from my husband as he’s my comfort through all of this and I know I can be an open book and let him know every thought I have at the second it crosses my mind without him thinking I’m a crazy woman (or maybe he does think I’m a little crazy sometimes, but he does a good job of hiding it – Ha!). Sometimes I think we forget that we are on this winding road and our lives feel less heavy and less busy but then something reminds us that we haven’t found our success quite yet and the day becomes a little darker.

A few days ago I was going on and on about our journey to my husband and I asked him how he doesn’t seem as upset and he said that he does get upset but he chooses to focus on what’s to come for us. He chooses not to stress over what has already happened and chooses to remains hopeful that Ranger will be our baby.

Sunshine

While I still find times that I am struggling and can’t put what I’m feeling into word, I agree whole heartedly with him. What will be, will be. We can’t dwell over what has already come and gone, we’ve already lived it and felt it (and honestly are still feeling it), we must choose to look forward at what our future holds and remain hopeful and full of faith that we will find success in our journey. This road we’re on, like anything in life, is all about choices and frankly the biggest choice we can make right now is whether we are going to remain hopeful and positive or whether we are going to sit and be sad by the cards we have been dealt. Honestly, I still feel upset by our outcome but along with those feelings of hurt I am going to still choose to be hopeful and optimistic and put all of my faith into Ranger.

Someday we will look back and all of this waiting, hurt, anxiousness, stress, and heaviness will all make sense. Someday when we are holding our Baby A in our arms, we will feel so full of love. Everything will feel like it has fallen into place for us and we will be forever grateful for our journey and the things that it has taught us.

Right now our troubles feel so big. It feels like we are climbing mountain after mountain, and I can’t wait for the day that all of this seems so small and just like a little bump in the road because although it doesn’t feel that way now, that’s exactly what it is – a small bump in the road and detour to our destination.

We’re not far out from our transfer of Ranger and even through the dark, he or she is our light and we are so blessed to have that babe to give us another shot.

 

Ranger & a Plan

Let’s not beat around the bush and just cut right to the chase. Unfortunately, we are not pregnant. Our transfer of two beautiful, excellent graded embryos failed. In all honesty (and almost embarrassingly), I never thought that I would be writing a post saying that we are not pregnant. This came as such a shock and surprise to us.

The morning that our beta was scheduled I took a home pregnancy test. This was our plan because I didn’t want to be caught off guard by what the phone call later in the day would tell me. I wanted to be ready for the news we would receive. That home test came back negative as negative can be. Starch white. One line. Where’s the second line? Nonexistent.

I laid in bed and cried to my husband and he kept his optimism. He kept saying we don’t know for sure yet. Your blood test could still come back positive, don’t lose your faith. When I went for my blood test I sat and cried to the lab tech about my negative home test. She was so sad for us and said sometimes the body just rejects the embryo(s) and there’s no reason why. She said sometimes it takes a couple times before your body accepts an embryo.

Later the nurse called and told us what we already knew. Just about ten minutes later, the doctor called. He sounded so defeated. My husband and I felt defeated, but the doctor sounded defeated. He was so shocked that these were our results, he had no rhyme or reason as to why our embryos didn’t stick because everything had gone so perfectly and smoothly. He told us that once my cycle started, we could gear up for the transfer of our last embryo or we could wait. He said whenever we are ready, he is ready. He said that he really believes that our last embryo will be our baby.

Going into this IVF journey my biggest fear was that my body would reject or almost go into ‘shock’ once the embryos were transferred because I have never been pregnant before. Now, we are living and have lived my biggest fear. It’s been a tough, exhausting and very long week but we made it through. We have made it through the darkest of times and now we are ready to face the sun again, put our trust in God and our doctor and transfer our Lone Ranger embryo.

We now refer to our last Lone Ranger embryo as Ranger. Who knows maybe if Ranger sticks and decides to make us a mommy and daddy, we’ll just go ahead and name him or her, Ranger.

This past week I have found it extremely hard to be around anyone other than my husband. It’s hard for others to understand the pain and heartbreak that comes along with this. Technically, we were never pregnant but the embryos were in there and we saw them in there. That is enough in itself to feel like we are parents and enough in itself to make us feel like we lost 2 babies.

This isn’t the end of our story and we will not give up. Giving up is not in our blood and is not an option to either of us. We will see this through. We have made a plan and hopefully God will choose Ranger to be our baby. This is merely a bump in the road and a detour to our destination.

The Two Week Wait

Here we are nearing the end of our two week wait and boy, this was the hardest part of our entire journey. It sounds easy. You go to the doctor for your transfer, have some embabies put inside you and carry on with life, right? Wrong…

Up until now it was constant monitoring. Constant blood work. Constant ultrasounds. Change in meds. Stim injections. Trigger injections. A calendar that became your life and told you everything you needed. The lab techs, the doctor, and the nurses were constantly in communication with you. After your retrieval you get a call the next day letting you know how your embryos are doing then you find out on day 5 how many are still there, then nothing. It’s literally crickets. There’s nobody poking at you, wanding you, calling you and letting you know what to do now or how everything is looking for you. There’s nobody watching your embryos and letting you know how they are doing. It’s just you, your husband and the embabies that you hope have made you a mama.

Some days I feel extremely positive and hopeful that this has worked out for us and at least one of them has cozied up and will soon be our babe. Other days, I feel like our transfer failed and we need to make a plan on what our next step is. This two week wait is a whirlwind and an emotional roller coaster. I feel as if I have done my best to stay as positive and hopeful as I can be, but there are definitely days that my husband has to really bring me back up or the few friends who have been on this winding journey have to remind me to keep having faith.

The thing is that IVF isn’t 100% guarantee that you are going to get your take home baby. I have watched women get pregnant right from the get go every single transfer. I’ve heard others say that it took them multiple retrievals and transfers before they were successful. There’s others out there who have transferred 5 or 6 times and still have nothing to show for it besides the pile of debt they are in. Who am I to say or even think that this will work right away for us and we won’t be one of those people who have to endure multiple transfers before having a child? I sure never thought that infertility would be a word I would use to describe my life, but here I am.

I have to remain hopeful and keep my faith in God that he will bless us. I sure hope that we have our baby a with this transfer but if not, we will be OK and we will keep trying until we have our baby a or a’s. Our story and journey will not be over if we are not successful our first go around. It will just make it that much sweeter when we finally are holding our babe in our arms.

The two week wait sure will put the stress and anxiety on a person. Everyone prepares you for the stims and the appointments and the procedure for egg retrieval and how emotional you’ll become but nobody tells you that the two week wait will be the most taxing and emotionally draining couple weeks of your life.

Embabies On Board

After our retrieval, we were instructed to start PIO (Progesterone In Oil) injections. These are injected with a needle that is an inch and a half deep right into your hip/butt muscle. We have done about 5 nights of these injections. The first night we did it, I laid across my husbands lap with my rear end hanging clear out showing where the nurse had graciously put a giant X in permanent marker on each side where the injections were to go. AJ kept getting ready to give me the shot and I just kept squealing and wiggling around. By the end of it, we both were in tears from laughing so hard. Finally, I calmed down and let it happen. It seriously was not bad at all. I felt the needle go in and then nothing. Since I am also on blood thinners, sometimes I bleed a little after but I also have some gnarly bruises on my hiney from these shots. That’s about the extent of my complaints from PIO. So all in all, really not scary.

Photo on 4-30-18 at 9.45 AM #2
He really is such a good sport.

Yesterday, Monday, was our transfer. We spent our weekend working in the yard, spending time with family, and just enjoying each others company. I also did lots of house work to keep myself from thinking about Monday too much. I didn’t want to obsess over it because I knew it would eventually come and whatever would be was what God had planned. This weekend was the first time since starting this journey that I felt like myself again. My body felt healed and I felt at peace with where we were at in our journey. I felt like I was physically and mentally ready for whatever our future held.

We were quite antsy yesterday morning and ended up showing up to the clinic a half an hour early. We were called back almost right away. We both had to change into some hospital get-up before we could go back into the room where retreivals/transfers take place. Our doctor came in and greeted us and away we went. We learned that only 3 of the 9 fertilized embryos made it to Day 5 Blasts. There was one more that they were letting grow until today to see if it caught up and unfortunately, it did not make it. Our doctor told us that having 3 make it this far is above average and that all of our embryos were a very high grade. He was very pleased with how our cycle had gone thus far and honestly, we both are too.

IMG_1203

For the transfer you have to have a full bladder. So while you have the doctor putting your embryos into your uterus, you also have a nurse pushing on your tummy to show the ultrasound of what is going on inside. It is super uncomfortable but amazing at the same time. They put the embryos on this little thing that almost reminded me of the tool a dentist uses to suck the water out of your mouth during a cleaning (OK, that might be a weird comparison since they couldn’t be going in more different of areas but that’s all I got. Ha!).

We decided to transfer two of our three embryos. As far as I know, I have never been pregnant and I personally felt that if we put two in, we would have a better chance of having at least one baby. If they both take, then we will be over the moon. If only one takes, we will still be over the moon. So, right now I am carrying two of our perfect, beautiful little embryos. I never understood why people called their embryos “perfect” or “beautiful” because literally they are a ball of cells. But, then I saw a picture of ours and all of a sudden, it clicked. They are so perfect and so beautiful and they are our babies.

IMG_1204
Here are our two perfect little embabies that we transferred

My husband would want me to be sure to share with you all that I cried the whole time during the transfer. It was amazing. One of the most beautiful and amazing things I have ever witnessed. I walked in the room a wife, a friend, a co-worker, a daughter, a sister and when I walked out I was a mama. What a crazy moment. I don’t even have the words to tell you what a special, intimate moment our transfer was and how perfect it all went.

The nurse and the doctor kept telling us over and over again how great everything went and how they are in a great place and it went super well. I really hope this isn’t something they say to just anyone, because I completely took it to heart.

In the IVF world after transfer you are considered PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise). I used to LOVE this acronym and I couldn’t wait to use it on myself until we transferred. Now, it almost seems like bad juju to go around saying we are PUPO. So, we will settle with saying we have two embabies on board.

IMG_1206
Could potentially be our first photo with our future children 🙂

My world has changed just since yesterday. It is such a weird feeling knowing that these two little embabies are inside me trying to decide whether they want to make themselves at home or not. I have been talking to them and letting them know that it’s perfectly OK to snuggle right in because we are so ready for them and AJ has been rubbing my belly.

We go back to the doctor in a couple weeks for a blood test to see whether our transfer was successful for us or not. We are asking that our friends and family respect our space during this time. Being open with all of you during this time has been wonderful and we have found so much support from each and every one of you but with being open comes the fact that you all know our story. We plan to tell our families either way towards the end of May. For the rest of you, we plan to share our story, good or bad, with you towards the middle/end of June. We want to have some time to process the results either way together before we let others in. We hope that you all understand this and we want to let you know how grateful we are for all of the love, prayers and support. We still need your happy thoughts, prayers, and all of the baby dust you can give during our two week wait for results.

IMG_1198
This popped up on my Facebook feed the morning of our transfer.

 

 

Our Egg Hunt

We went on an egg hunt yesterday. Our retrieval wasn’t until 9:45 in the morning so I was excited to sleep in a little bit until I woke up at 6 am and couldn’t go back to sleep because I was overwhelmed with excitement. I was so excited to see how many eggs they would get but also to get those eggs out of my ovaries. When you have that many mature eggs and more follicles,  you start to feel like you are carrying grapes around. The bloat is real. I had to walk around work with my dress pants unbuttoned on Monday because I was so bloated!

When we got to the clinic we were called back to the prep area and they had me change into a super sexy hospital gown, a mesh cap and mesh footies to go over my socks. The nurse came to give us our instructions for the next 5 days and then went to get our doctor to say hi before the retrieval. Our doctor is one amazing man. He is so compassionate, so caring and you can really tell that he loves what he does and is very knowledgable in his area of expertise. He came in and made sure that we both were comfortable, talked about what we were about to do, made sure we didn’t have any questions and then told me that he would go let the nurse know I’m ready for my ‘margaritas’. During the egg retrieval you are under a conscious sedation so you get a nice little concoction of meds in your IV. Whoof- that stuff was serious, let me tell you. I remember walking back into the operating room and laying down on the bed. I remember the nurses coming over and saying hello to me. I remember asking them what they were doing (lol – like they were just at home chilling and I was seeing what their plans for the day were. Duh.). I remember my doctor coming in and saying something to him, but I can’t remember what. I remember telling the nurses I was mad that I had those mesh footies over my socks because I specifically wore my egg retrieval day socks for good luck. I vaguely remember saying ‘Ouch!’ at one point and the nurses comforting me. Then I woke up in the post-op chair united with my husband again.

IMG_1174

When I woke up the nurse came to check on me and then our doctor came over to chit chat. Apparently, that wasn’t the first time. My husband said he came over and woke me up to tell me how many eggs they were able to collect, but I don’t remember that at all. He let us know that we collected 11 eggs!! The nurse said that retrieving 8 is about average for their office, so 11 was an amazing number!

Shortly after I woke up we got to break out of there and head home. I planned on feeling much worse than I did. The only pain I was in was kind of like menstrual cramps, the nurse gave me some extra strength Tylenol and sent us on our way. I was so nervous leading up to retrieval that I would end up over-stimulated but thankfully, that was not the case for us.

 

When we left the clinic I wanted McDonalds. Mostly, I wanted McDonalds French Fries because salty foods are good for your body after retrieval. AJ made my wish his command. McDonalds French Fries it was for lunch! We spent the afternoon hanging out on our back deck enjoying the beautiful weather we have been having and just sat and enjoyed each others company for an afternoon. It was very relaxing and a nice slowdown to what our lives have been these past few weeks.

IMG_1179

Today, we received the call that out of the 11 eggs they collected, 10 were mature and 9 fertilized! We currently have 9 Baby A’s! Not all of these will make it to the Day 5 Blastocyst stage but I have a good feeling that our children are in that incubator right now. I’ve been praying and asking God to give us the perfect amount of embryos that would complete our family so that we don’t have to go through all of this again and we don’t have to make decisions if we have ‘leftover’ embryos after we have decided our family is complete.

Tonight we start a new injection. This is an intramuscular injection with an inch and a half long needle. Yikes! The injection is progesterone. This helps women not miscarry because of progesterone levels dipping. If we are successful in our transfer and end up pregnant, these shots will continue for the entire first trimester. But, I’m sure I will have more to say about these later on once I have experienced it first hand.

 

Wake Up & Trigger

 

Phew, what a week. Over the weekend, my husband was able to come to my appointment with me (I really just took him because he promised me a breakfast date afterwards. Joking! Kind of…) and he was able to experience what I experienced at all of those early morning appointments right along with me. I’m not sure if he was nervous or just didn’t know what to say while we were in the room waiting for my ultrasound but he just kept talking about “how expensive that piece of equipment was” referring to the ultrasound machine and monitor. My husband is a man of few words, so I am going to guess he was feeling a little out of place while sitting in the ultrasound room waiting for my scan. But when Monday came around, he asked me if he should come along to that appointment with me as well, so he must have found it interesting!

IMG_1147

After our appointment and breakfast date, we received a call that we would be adding in another injection Saturday and Sunday night. The injection that they had me add in basically keeps all my follicles right where they want them. I wasn’t quite ready for retrieval but the eggs were getting large enough and my estrogen levels were high enough that if we didn’t add in the shot, my body may have released all those eggs that we had been working so hard to grow. I psyched myself up for the new shot by searching the IVF group I’m in on Facebook and saw all the horrible experiences people had with the injection. Once I manned up and did it though, it really was nothing. I had to ice the area for awhile because it broke out in a little rash and was pretty itchy. Other than that, there was nothing to worry about.

Monday I went in for one of those early morning appointments before work. Later in the day I received the call that my follies were where they wanted them and my estrogen jumped to a nice number and we were ready to trigger that night. A trigger shot is basically an injection of the HCG (pregnancy) hormone. This shot would help my follicles to release the eggs so that when we go to retrieve them, they are easier to get. The clinic gives you a very specific time when you should do your HCG injections and our time happened to be 11 pm. My husband and I can not stay awake past 9 (at the very latest) for the lives of us so we ended up having to set an alarm to wake up and trigger. Pretty sure my husband was half asleep giving me my shots because when he tried to put the cap over the needle afterwards, he poked himself in the finger so hard that it bent the needle right in half. He was pretty sure he was dying after he did that, kind of like when he gets a man cold (ha ha!).

IMG_1159

Since we triggered at 11 pm on Monday night, our retrieval is scheduled for 35 hours after the shot and we will retrieve my eggs tomorrow morning at 10 am. I have tried to keep my blindfolds on when it comes to the retrieval and am going with the motto of “ignorance is bliss” because I know that everyone has different experiences and I don’t want to jump to a conclusion on what I think will be our experience until we are living it.

Tomorrow is going to be such a special day for us now and for the years to come. Tomorrow will be the day that our kids will be conceived. What a big day for us. So please keep us in your thoughts and prayers tomorrow as we check another box off of our IVF journey and are that much closer to our transfer day and hopefully to baby A or baby A’s.

The Lucky One

I often reflect back on how I knew that we were going to do this IVF thing and we were going to be in it together. Before my husband and I got married, we would talk about the children we were going to have, we would dream about our future family, talk about how we would raise our kids, heck we have had a little girl name picked out, set in stone, for a couple years now. Sometimes I brought up the conversation, “What if we can’t have babies?” “What if we have to seek help to have a family?” and when someone close to me had to go through IVF, I remember asking him, “What if we have to do that someday?” Now, keep in mind, we didn’t know what our future held at this point, it was just a conversation. I remember we always came to the conclusion that we would do anything we could to have our own babies. There was never a doubt in our mind that we would ever give up if it came down to it.

I remember I used to get so frustrated with AJ because he would tell me that he couldn’t wait for me to have his children, or he couldn’t wait for me to be a mother to his children, or he couldn’t wait to have a family with me. The reason I became frustrated is because at that point in my life all I wanted to hear was, “I can’t wait to marry you someday” or “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” Now, if you really dig down deep and think about it, he was saying what I wanted to hear just in a different way. He was telling me he couldn’t wait for our future together and for us to have our own little family. This is a direct reflection on how important family is to my husband.

Fast forward to trying to have a baby and getting let down every month. Some months I would cry when my period came and he would hold me and tell me not to worry because we would have children one way or another and it would happen in time. It just wasn’t our time yet. Now let’s jump to learning that IVF was going to be our solution and that is the ONLY way we could have these children that we’ve dreamed about for years. It definitely was a tough pill to swallow. I would often pick AJ’s brain and I think the reason behind it was, I needed to feel better and I needed to hear his response to make me feel better. I would tell him that I bet he wished he would have known this before marrying me, or I would apologize for being this way, or I would tell him that this would be a good reason for him to leave me because I know just how much having kids meant to him. He was always quick to reassure me that it wasn’t my fault and he still loved me so much.

Then one day he said this, “I would rather be with you and not have kids than not be with you and have kids.” Okay, cue the tears. All of the tears. That man. Wow. What in the world did I do right in my 24 years of life to end up with a man like this? Wow.

Ever since that day, I knew that we had this. I knew that we were going to go through this storm together and when we come out of it, we would still be hand in hand. I know that our relationship is as solid as it gets. Not everyone finds a love this deep, strong and dependable but we have found it and I thank God every single day for that man. He will tell you over and over again that he’s the lucky one, but truth be told, I really am the lucky one.

Human Pin Cushion

IMG_1108

Last week I got to come off birth control and take a horrible tasting antibiotic. I also had my IVF Baseline appointment. I was like a kid in a candy store attending this appointment, our journey was becoming so real and away we went. A Baseline appointment is where you pay for your IVF cycle, do some blood work and have an ultrasound to base where you’re at for your upcoming cycle. During my ultrasound, which I now refer to (thanks to a friend) as being wanded, the nurse kept saying, “Wow, everything looks great.”, “Oh my gosh, this is looking really good.”, and “Seriously, everything looks just the way we want it.” Needless, to say I left my appointment feeling really, really good about this road we are on. I’m also getting really used to hearing the words, “Undress from the waist down.” while the door slams behind me. Let me tell ya, IVF is a super romantic way to conceive some mini’s.

IMG_1117

Today was our first day of stims. I say “our” because it really was OUR first day. My husband wants to be involved in this as much as possible. I may be the one getting poked and prodded at like I’m just a pin cushion, but he is there every step of the way. He wanted to watch the videos of how to give these shots with me, he wanted to know what the side effects of these meds I’m injecting myself with are, and he wanted to be the one to give me the shots. He told me a couple weeks ago that he felt like he needed to do something and that giving me the shots is how he wants to help. I really just think that poking me with needles is his idea of fun (ha ha). OK, totally kidding on that, kind of. But it was so sweet that he wanted to make sure I wasn’t alone and do anything and everything he could.

This morning, though, he had to leave earlier for work than when I was planning to give myself my morning injection so I did it by myself. Now, I’m pretty independent and I don’t like help on many things so I wasn’t too bothered by him not being here for it. I got everything ready and took the above picture and I just couldn’t do it. I pinched my skin and kept putting the needle to it, but I could not push it in. I tried a few times and nothing. This brought tears of frustration and fearfulness to me. I almost called my husband and told him I couldn’t do it. But then I just did it. No thoughts to talk me into it, it just happened like someone else took over my arm and hand and gave me my shot. It was seriously nothing. The worst part was the poke from the needle, I couldn’t believe it.

 

He was here for my night shot though! He’s feeling a bit under the weather today but he still jumped up at the chance to mix my meds up for me and give me this horrible shot. Can you believe I trusted this goofball to mix my meds up all by himself, he only had a few questions but he was a pro! Let me tell ya, this shot was awful and I’m not sure I like his sly smile from laughing at me in this photo. But, seriously how would we ever get through all of this if we weren’t able to laugh through it?

I almost feel like an addict because if I’m being honest, I’m already looking to my next shot tomorrow. I’m looking forward to every shot from here on out because there is a greater good coming from it. If I have to be a pin cushion and be poked and prodded at, then so be it. I will be okay. This is so small compared to what is ahead and we are looking so faithfully into our future and what this IVF journey is going to bring us.

Babies are everywhere. Seriously, everywhere.

You know that feeling when you learn a new word or new phrase for the first time and all of a sudden, the word/phrase just starts popping up everywhere? Well, that’s how life has been since trying for a little one. All of a sudden, I feel like we are having a baby boom again. There are literally babies everywhere.

I get emails at work with pictures of newborns. There’s a new pregnancy announcement on my social media accounts weekly if not a few times per week. Walk to grab some lunch? Baby bellies. Need to grab some milk on the way home? Babies. Go down to the local bar for dinner(small town Iowa guys, unless you want gas station food, that’s your only option on an “eat out night”)? Brand spanking new baby. Holy Moly. That sure is one way to make your ovaries feel like pumping out some offspring. I am invited to not just one but two baby showers in the same weekend. Like, seriously I’m not kidding when I say there are babies everywhere.

Apparently my email also thinks that I am pregnant or have a baby of my own because I get email updates on all baby stuff. OR maybe I am just completely obsessed with the idea of starting our family that I continually look at everything baby and everything maternity and then have to fight myself not to buy anything. I’ve even gone as far as to ask my husband if it would be a good idea to start stockpiling diapers and he had to calmly tell me that I might just be getting a little too excited.

Thank goodness our journey hasn’t turned me bitter. Far too often, I have heard stories and even heard people admit that they are so bitter towards those who are pregnant or have just had a baby. I’ve had conversations with people that have said that they had to very carefully break their pregnancy to a friend who has struggled to get pregnant because she was just too bitter. Now, don’t get me wrong sometimes I have a good little cry when I hear of another pregnancy announcement but I would never be bitter about it. How in the world can you look at a baby and feel bitter?

So, in my world, there are babies everywhere.

Shots for 24! …literally

The day after my birthday this week, (which if you know me at all, you know the day after my birthday is still considered my birthday – ha ha!) I received a very large box. This box was not full of typical fun birthday stuff but rather all of my meds that I will need through our entire IVF process. Yay… Cheers to 24! or should I say, Shots for 24! ….literally, shots. Lots of shots.

IMG_1070
IVF is a super sexy way to have a kid… lots of meds & shots

Last week, I told you all of the meds I was taking and this week we added in an antibiotic to take twice a day. Both of us have to take this antibiotic for 7 days to fight off any infection that could be in our bodies and to prevent us from getting any type of infection.

IMG_1073
This is all of the pills/vitamins I will be taking per day this week

This past week I have felt like complete crap. My week was full of nausea and pounding headaches. Again, I’m not sure if it’s my body trying to get used to everything, stress, the anxiety from the unknown or a combination of all of them but nearly everyday this week I have felt like I spent my nights closing down the bars instead of barely staying awake for the 9 o’clock news. Now, I am definitely not complaining about this, I know that we are extremely blessed to have the opportunity to do this because I understand that this is not something that everyone is able to do and I am very thankful that we are in a place where we can go down this road. I’m okay with feeling like complete crap because hopefully we will have a happy ending someday. But, when I started this blog, I wanted to show you what this is really like and show you all the raw moments because this is definitely not a rainbow and butterflies type of situation. So, this week I have felt horrible, I’ve been exhausted but I’ve also been extremely excited. It all balances out.

This week it just hit us and all of this became so very real. We received our IVF calendar and realized that if everything goes as planned and my body responds in a healthy way, that we could transfer and be PUPO (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise) in just one short month. Everything that seemed so far away and so unlikely for us just a very short while ago, could happen in just one month. I’m not sure if it was the fact that we received our calendar and these meds in the same week or what happened, but all of a sudden it just clicked for us. I almost feel naive for being excited but truly, I’m excited for this journey. Now, I’m not exactly excited for all of these shots, BUT I’m not complaining about them either.