Fear

According to my friend Google, fear is defined as, “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” I can’t think of a better word to define how I am feeling right now. Fear sums up the emotion that I am consumed with daily.

I am not so certain that I have ever felt fear in this capacity or been this scared of something in my life. Our first round, I was so naive. I naively believed that everyone who goes through IVF gets a take home baby. You can imagine how it felt when I was smacked upside the head with the reality of our situation. This round, I am sick. I  randomly start to obsess, then I feel like I could hurl at any given second because I am so scared of what is to come.

I’m scared of watching another sweet Baby A get put back, but then being left to wonder if that baby would have had big brown eyes like daddy or blue eyes like mommy, or if that baby would have, someday, been running around in a wrestling singlet or a ballet tutu. I’m scared of feeling SO close and feeling that euphoria of having a sweet little one transferred back to us and thinking that this is our time, but then getting completely crushed over, yet, another phone call with news of a negative beta.

As much as I am so fearful of another failed transfer, I am just as much fearful of a positive test. I find myself wondering what kind of mom I will be. I wonder if I will be a good mama to my sweet little Baby A’s or if I will struggle in this role. I find myself questioning whether I will be the mom whose children adore and confide in her or if they would rather find someone else. My husband, he has it down pat, there is no doubt in my mind whether he will rock the role of daddy or not but I find myself questioning whether he will outshine me in that new step and if I will fall behind.

We have a lot of “hurry up and wait moments” that leave so much time on my plate to sit and stew in what our future might look like. It’s so much time to let this fear overwhelm me in some moments but also time for us to really  talk about how we will raise our babes and the life we wish to give them.

I have never been one to be scared or fearful of what a situation may bring. I am very much a ‘yes’ person. I enjoy jumping in with both feet, hoping for the best and figuring the rest out later. So fear has never really been a word in my vocabulary, until now. This journey we are on has conditioned me to be fearful of what could happen especially after that smack upside the head, I now am much more educated in this world we are currently homed in. So while we are about halfway through our second cycle, I am approaching it with aggression but with a side of hesitation, for the blinders I had been wearing before have been removed.

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