Fear

According to my friend Google, fear is defined as, “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.” I can’t think of a better word to define how I am feeling right now. Fear sums up the emotion that I am consumed with daily.

I am not so certain that I have ever felt fear in this capacity or been this scared of something in my life. Our first round, I was so naive. I naively believed that everyone who goes through IVF gets a take home baby. You can imagine how it felt when I was smacked upside the head with the reality of our situation. This round, I am sick. I  randomly start to obsess, then I feel like I could hurl at any given second because I am so scared of what is to come.

I’m scared of watching another sweet Baby A get put back, but then being left to wonder if that baby would have had big brown eyes like daddy or blue eyes like mommy, or if that baby would have, someday, been running around in a wrestling singlet or a ballet tutu. I’m scared of feeling SO close and feeling that euphoria of having a sweet little one transferred back to us and thinking that this is our time, but then getting completely crushed over, yet, another phone call with news of a negative beta.

As much as I am so fearful of another failed transfer, I am just as much fearful of a positive test. I find myself wondering what kind of mom I will be. I wonder if I will be a good mama to my sweet little Baby A’s or if I will struggle in this role. I find myself questioning whether I will be the mom whose children adore and confide in her or if they would rather find someone else. My husband, he has it down pat, there is no doubt in my mind whether he will rock the role of daddy or not but I find myself questioning whether he will outshine me in that new step and if I will fall behind.

We have a lot of “hurry up and wait moments” that leave so much time on my plate to sit and stew in what our future might look like. It’s so much time to let this fear overwhelm me in some moments but also time for us to really  talk about how we will raise our babes and the life we wish to give them.

I have never been one to be scared or fearful of what a situation may bring. I am very much a ‘yes’ person. I enjoy jumping in with both feet, hoping for the best and figuring the rest out later. So fear has never really been a word in my vocabulary, until now. This journey we are on has conditioned me to be fearful of what could happen especially after that smack upside the head, I now am much more educated in this world we are currently homed in. So while we are about halfway through our second cycle, I am approaching it with aggression but with a side of hesitation, for the blinders I had been wearing before have been removed.

No One Tells You

There are so many things that no one tells you about when going through IVF and there are many more to add to the list when you choose to share your story with the world. Lately, I’ve found myself questioning whether being public about our struggle was the right choice to make or not. Each day, I end the day with a new conclusion and it never seems to stay consistent.

We chose to share this journey with anyone who would read it because we felt we needed to raise awareness and also put it all on the table so that we didn’t feel so alone on this lonely road. But as it turns out, there are still many lonely situations to face.

No one tells you that you will feel like everyone looks at you with pity, that you have now became the girl that the rest of the world pities because she has been drug through hell and back with nothing to show for it, still. No one tells you that people will have no idea what to say to you so everyone will just ask you how you’re feeling every time they see you, because infertility must make you sick or maybe it’s just a pathway to open the conversation.

No one tells you that you will feel like you are so behind on timing, that you feel like you will never catch up to others in your life. No one tells you that even though you are still the young age of 24, you feel like you should have a couple offspring and a minivan at this point. No one tells you that you will feel like you are running out of time compared to the speed of life others around you are carrying on while you are just stuck in limbo waiting to see what is next on your calendar of meds and procedures.

No one tells you that when you want to lean on someone in your everyday life, it’s a struggle because they really don’t get it. They don’t understand that although you were never technically ‘pregnant’ you still feel like you were and twice for that matter. Along with that you feel like you suffered through losing a baby, twice or that you believe you have 3 Baby A’s dancing around in heaven right now. No one tells you that they won’t understand that you can relate to feeling hormonal because again, although you were never ‘pregnant’ you still got to deal with all of those lovely pregnancy hormones. No one tells you that you will feel like maybe you don’t understand and you are just being a little over the top thinking that you actually do know what they are talking about and can relate.

No one tells you that when you are open, honest and raw about your journey, you will come across family and friends whom don’t want to share the fact that they are pregnant with you like it will send you winding down a dark path or that they don’t want to post on social media about said pregnancy because of your situation. No one tells you that when you experience this and hear these reasonings, it will feel like someone stabbed you right in your heart. No one tells you that these situations will make you feel like sharing your story robbed someone else of celebrating their happiness and their bundle of joy, because of you and your misfortune.

No one tells you that being 100% transparent with anyone and everyone will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders. No one tells you that you will meet some of the absolutely sweetest IVF sisters from all over the United States to share all of the happy, frustrating, discouraging, exciting moments with and they will completely get it. No one tells you that you will gain an army of support behind you that will cheer and pray for you and your Baby A daily. No one tells you that although, there are going to be moments that make you question your transparency, you really did make the best decision in the world by sharing this experience with others.

Time to make Baby A!

It’s finally that time. It’s finally time to make Baby A!!!!!

These last few weeks have been unbearably stressful and during this time, we had been asked to wait, yet again. All of the excitement for this round had vanished and it had turned into stress and anxiety over why we had been asked to wait? I mean, it felt like we have already been waiting what seemed like our fair share of time, it was so hard to understand why do we need to watch more time fly by without working towards our goal?

We thought that our cycle was going to be pushed back and it would be even that much longer until we could start working on Baby A, but as it turns out, God knew exactly what he was doing. We waited with as much frustration as the patience we had, and these last couple weeks seemed to last years. When today came, we found that really, our cycle had not been pushed back but rather, it was coming right on time. It was coming right when it was meant to and it felt so good to be able to text my husband, “It’s time to start making Baby A!!!!!!!”

The last few weeks have been full of mood swings on my end. Happy one minute, sad the next, completely frustrated then happy then mad. I think I felt every damn emotion, every single day for the last couple of weeks. You name it, I felt it. This journey is the wildest roller coaster one could be on.

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Thankfully, our time has came and it is now our turn to start making our Baby A. First things first, we’re back on birth control. We are only on this for a very short time and then we get to head back to Iowa City and meet with our doctor again to figure out exact dates for the rest of our cycle.

We are so optimistic regardless of our past. Walking out of our consult with our new clinic and just the few conversations I’ve had with some nurses there during our waiting period have been nothing short of a breath of fresh air. We hope that you are all ready to take this ride along with us again and that we can take home our Baby A at the end of it.

We’re coming for you, Baby A.

XOXO-

Daddy A & Mama A