Someone very near and dear to me who has had a long infertility journey themselves, sent me a message today asking me how I don’t get a jealous green monster on my shoulder when I see others who have been blessed with what I’ve been begging God for. Truth be told, at first I was proud. I was proud of myself that I have not shown that side of me and proud that others have not recognized it either. But quite frankly, it took me a bit to think of an answer and to really ponder, how I hide that side and how I get past that awful feeling.
If I am being 100% truthful and showing the world my real, raw self, I do get jealous. I do find myself feeling bitter. I do have an awful, ugly side. Every once in a while, that jealous green monster does show up on my shoulder.
Almost daily, I have to remind myself that everyone’s story is different. What someone else’s story looks like is always going to be different from yours. When that jealousy creeps up sometimes, I have to remind myself that we can only see what others choose to show. Although, I may be focusing on the fact that someone is expecting and I wish I could say the same, they may be fighting another battle in their life that no one knows anything about and maybe that battle would be something that I couldn’t get through. I also remind myself that this infertility journey we are on was God’s plan. I whole-heartedly believe that we were chosen to conquer this and to be open about it to help others.
I would never wish infertility on anyone. If I had enemies, I would not wish this on them. As positive as I have been throughout this, this is really an awful, horrible winding road. The amount of heartbreak you face, all of the medicine, all of the pokes and prods, and all of the times that you lose ALL modesty is so incredibly hard to learn how to maneuver. When I find myself feeling bitter or feeling a little jealous towards a person, I have to remind myself of what we have been through and how I would never wish this to be someone else’s journey. This has been a very hard hand of cards that we have been dealt, and quite frankly, when people find out that they are going to be joining us on this road, my heart breaks a little bit for them and my husband and I both feel so horrible that this hand is also the hand they have been dealt. So, while I may feel a bit of jealousy every now and again, I would never wish for anyone to be given the news that they cannot conceive on their own.
This road has definitely shown me how ugly I can be and how bitter and angry I can get. But at the same time, it has shown me how kind I can be. It has shown me that although jealousy may creep up on me, that is not the person I want others to think of me by. This road is a complete mental game. You have to keep yourself looking towards the positive aspects because it is SO easy to slip and fall down to a point that is hard to come up from.
At the end of the day, having a baby or not having a baby does not define me or us. At the end of the day the things that define me is whether I showed off that little ugly, jealous green monster or whether I showed someone just how supportive and kind I can be. At the end of the day, the choice is mine whether I will let this road we are on define me or if I will overcome what has been laid in front of me. Honestly, I want to be able to lay down at night and know that I was the best version of myself that day and that I did not use my struggle with infertility as an excuse for any negative actions.