It has been brought to my attention that on the outside it appears that my husband and I are just floating through the difficult roads we have been on and that we don’t necessarily let it really dig into our relationship. While we have really fought this battle and are handling the situation we have been given tremendously, in my opinion. It is far from fairytale perfect.
Let’s start off with the fact that my husband and I are teammates. To me, we do make the best team. We take turns riding shotgun. If I can’t take control of a situation, if I’m not up to par that day or it may not be my forte’, he takes the driver seat and vice versa. But on the same hand, life isn’t always rainbow and butterflies and there are things that can throw our groove off. Namely; Infertility and IVF.
I’ve always said that I wouldn’t allow what is going on in my life or the hormones affect my mood and especially not towards him. As shameful as I am to admit, I have done what I said I wouldn’t do. Some days, my husband gets the worst of me. Some days I have worried and stressed over this journey so much that I have nothing left. Some days I feel like I exhaust myself trying to do everything (because I think I’m superwoman). Some days, I simply just try to hold it all together. And by the end of those days, the best of me seems to be gone. I pick petty fights, I’m too tired to cook, the clothes in the washer have been washed 3 times and are still waiting to be moved to the dryer, or I just don’t feel like moving from the couch. Those are the days; he gets the worst of me.
Sometimes we bicker and fight over everything possible because the weight of what we are trying to balance has felt super heavy that day and/or week. Sometimes just my husband getting to do something relaxing and fun for him triggers jealousy in me. Jealousy that my life seems to revolve around the next medication, the next doctor appointment and working. If we are being truthful and I’m not dwelling in jealousy, his life also revolves around those things. He also deserves to be treated and to find relaxation. He may not be the one acting as a human pincushion or rushing back and forth between appointments but he is also battling through this infertility journey right along with me for our sweet Baby A’s.
I think it’s really easy to get caught up in this journey. I think it’s easy to get caught up in ourselves, in our situation, to sometimes just feel sorry for yourself, and to forget that you are not in this alone. All of these things can really make crossing into the angry-at-everyone side very, very easy. Your spouse is going through this too. Your family is hurting for you. Your friends are rooting for you to find success. You aren’t the slightest bit alone, unless you choose to be.
So while we are not just floating through this winding road and taking every hit with a smile, we still, for lack of better terms, are crushing it. Yeah, the stress may bring on a few more arguments than usual and sometimes it seems like it’s never ending. But when we really reflect, what you are seeing on the outside still stands true. The laughing-until-we-cry, the goofs, the jokes, the smooches on the cheek, the butt slaps, the one million ‘honey’s’ we throw around and the I-love-you’s ARE what our relationship is.