My Husband Gets The Worst Of Me

It has been brought to my attention that on the outside it appears that my husband and I are just floating through the difficult roads we have been on and that we don’t necessarily let it really dig into our relationship. While we have really fought this battle and are handling the situation we have been given tremendously, in my opinion. It is far from fairytale perfect.

Let’s start off with the fact that my husband and I are teammates. To me, we do make the best team. We take turns riding shotgun. If I can’t take control of a situation, if I’m not up to par that day or it may not be my forte’, he takes the driver seat and vice versa. But on the same hand, life isn’t always rainbow and butterflies and there are things that can throw our groove off. Namely; Infertility and IVF.

I’ve always said that I wouldn’t allow what is going on in my life or the hormones affect my mood and especially not towards him. As shameful as I am to admit, I have done what I said I wouldn’t do. Some days, my husband gets the worst of me. Some days I have worried and stressed over this journey so much that I have nothing left. Some days I feel like I exhaust myself trying to do everything (because I think I’m superwoman). Some days, I simply just try to hold it all together. And by the end of those days, the best of me seems to be gone. I pick petty fights, I’m too tired to cook, the clothes in the washer have been washed 3 times and are still waiting to be moved to the dryer, or I just don’t feel like moving from the couch. Those are the days; he gets the worst of me.

Sometimes we bicker and fight over everything possible because the weight of what we are trying to balance has felt super heavy that day and/or week. Sometimes just my husband getting to do something relaxing and fun for him triggers jealousy in me. Jealousy that my life seems to revolve around the next medication, the next doctor appointment and working. If we are being truthful and I’m not dwelling in jealousy, his life also revolves around those things. He also deserves to be treated and to find relaxation. He may not be the one acting as a human pincushion or rushing back and forth between appointments but he is also battling through this infertility journey right along with me for our sweet Baby A’s.

I think it’s really easy to get caught up in this journey. I think it’s easy to get caught up in ourselves, in our situation, to sometimes just feel sorry for yourself, and to forget that you are not in this alone. All of these things can really make crossing into the angry-at-everyone side very, very easy. Your spouse is going through this too. Your family is hurting for you. Your friends are rooting for you to find success. You aren’t the slightest bit alone, unless you choose to be.

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So while we are not just floating through this winding road and taking every hit with a smile, we still, for lack of better terms, are crushing it. Yeah, the stress may bring on a few more arguments than usual and sometimes it seems like it’s never ending. But when we really reflect, what you are seeing on the outside still stands true. The laughing-until-we-cry, the goofs, the jokes, the smooches on the cheek, the butt slaps, the one million ‘honey’s’ we throw around and the I-love-you’s ARE what our relationship is.

 

Round II.

 

IMG_1891We’re jumping right back into IVF with both feet.

Today we had our consult at the University of Iowa, which is a new clinic to us, if you remember, we mentioned that we were going to make a switch in our medical team and clinic. I don’t remember being nervous when we went for a consult at our last clinic, but holy smokes, I was nervous today. I was sweating horribly and had to lean over and ask my husband multiple times if he could smell me cause I was sure I had sweat through everything that was supposed to make me smell good (cute, right?).

When we finally were called back, we were greeted by such a sweet older lady who explained the ugly financial stuff to us. Next, the nurse came in and right away, I liked her and felt like we were exactly where we should be. She was such a sweet girl and very happy and cheerful. Which was so inviting and showed that she really does love her job. I mean, how could you not? She gets to help infertile couples become parents on a daily basis, that has to be uplifting in itself.

We were given a little room there that had a desk, computer, couch and TV in it to spend the length of our appointment. The consult was a marathon and lasted 4 hours but it helped to have a room to stay in, instead of being shuffled back and forth. We met with an ultrasound technician for an ultrasound where they found a total of 24 follicles
(!!!!!!!!!) (follicles are the little guys that hold eggs, remember?) and had a mock transfer to make sure when the time comes, everything can go as smoothly as possible.

We also met with two doctors while we were there who helped explain how they do things, what their thoughts were on our IVF history and also to answer any (about 100) questions that we had. While they can’t give us definite answers on why our embryos did not implant the last two transfers, they reassured us that it was not our fault and that we could become pregnant via IVF. It wasn’t long into the marathon that I broke down crying and said that I wanted to do anything possible to not go through what we’ve already been through, again. Everyone we met with were so sweet and kept saying that they know we have been through a lot this past year and helped to pump us full of hope and belief in what they do.

We actually get to start our IVF cycle very soon and we both are eager to jump back into it. It sounds like the doctors found some things that they believe should be changed in our protocol but will let us know what is going to be our concoction of meds soon. We only met with 2 of the doctors today but they have 12 doctors who help with IVF at the University of Iowa. They meet all together every Tuesday and discuss cases. They said that they would bring our case up at their next meeting and make sure everyone is on board with the decisions they made today and what our protocol should be, then call and let us know what they find.

It also turns out that the University of Iowa is nationally known for how good they are at In-Vitro Fertilization, so I believe we will be getting the best of the best care. If they are half as thorough at every appointment as they were today, we are in such good hands.

After today’s marathon, I think our heads will be spinning for a week with ALL the information that was thrown at us, but the most important thing that we gained today was hope. We feel like this was the best decision we could have made and that we really are on the path to our sweet Baby A.

A Green Little Monster

Someone very near and dear to me who has had a long infertility journey themselves, sent me a message today asking me how I don’t get a jealous green monster on my shoulder when I see others who have been blessed with what I’ve been begging God for. Truth be told, at first I was proud. I was proud of myself that I have not shown that side of me and proud that others have not recognized it either. But quite frankly, it took me a bit to think of an answer and to really ponder, how I hide that side and  how I get past that awful feeling.

If I am being 100% truthful and showing the world my real, raw self, I do get jealous. I do find myself feeling bitter. I do have an awful, ugly side. Every once in a while, that jealous green monster does show up on my shoulder.

Almost daily, I have to remind myself that everyone’s story is different. What someone else’s story looks like is always going to be different from yours. When that jealousy creeps up sometimes, I have to remind myself that we can only see what others choose to show. Although, I may be focusing on the fact that someone is expecting and I wish I could say the same, they may be fighting another battle in their life that no one knows anything about and maybe that battle would be something that I couldn’t get through. I also remind myself that this infertility journey we are on was God’s plan. I whole-heartedly believe that we were chosen to conquer this and to be open about it to help others.

I would never wish infertility on anyone. If I had enemies, I would not wish this on them. As positive as I have been throughout this, this is really an awful, horrible winding road. The amount of heartbreak you face, all of the medicine, all of the pokes and prods, and all of the times that you lose ALL modesty is so incredibly hard to learn how to maneuver. When I find myself feeling bitter or feeling a little jealous towards a person, I have to remind myself of what we have been through and how I would never wish this to be someone else’s journey. This has been a very hard hand of cards that we have been dealt, and quite frankly, when people find out that they are going to be joining us on this road, my heart breaks a little bit for them and my husband and I both feel so horrible that this hand is also the hand they have been dealt. So, while I may feel a bit of jealousy every now and again, I would never wish for anyone to be given the news that they cannot conceive on their own.

This road has definitely shown me how ugly I can be and how bitter and angry I can get. But at the same time, it has shown me how kind I can be. It has shown me that although jealousy may creep up on me, that is not the person I want others to think of me by. This road is a complete mental game. You have to keep yourself looking towards the positive aspects because it is SO easy to slip and fall down to a point that is hard to come up from.

At the end of the day, having a baby or not having a baby does not define me or us. At the end of the day the things that define me is whether I showed off that little ugly, jealous green monster or whether I showed someone just how supportive and kind I can be. At the end of the day, the choice is mine whether I will let this road we are on define me or if I will overcome what has been laid in front of me. Honestly, I want to be able to lay down at night and know that I was the best version of myself that day and that I did not use my struggle with infertility as an excuse for any negative actions.