Not me.

Something that has been on repeat in my head, as selfish as it is, is “That won’t happen to me/us.” Looking back on this journey, I can see just how naive I was when we started and even before that. I remember telling people that I thought IVF was an ‘easy’ way to have babies and if we ever had infertility issues, I would just want to jump to IVF because that would be the easiest way to get pregnant. I’m embarrassed to even admit how uneducated I was while making that statement because nothing about IVF is ‘easy’.

Before we went to the doctor for the first time, I remember making every excuse in the book as to why we weren’t getting pregnant. Because in my head, we weren’t going to be one of those couples who suffer from infertility and I just couldn’t understand why we could be on of those couples. I couldn’t understand what we had done wrong in our short lives to deserve this. But low and behold, we are ‘one of those couples’.

When we first started injections and the question about what happens if it doesn’t work came up, I gave a good response about how we would try again but in my head, I was astonished that someone would even ask me that because that wasn’t going to happen to us. We weren’t going to be one of those couples who had to fight and fight and fight to have a baby. We’d already fought long enough, it was our time to have a baby and that’s what this IVF opportunity was going to give us. 

After our first failed transfer, I was SURE that we were going to get pregnant the next time because everything checked out perfectly and again, I didn’t think that multiple failures was going to happen to us. Again, why would we have to suffer through multiple failures and multiple heart breaks to have a baby? We had already gone through so many hurdles to begin with.. we weren’t going to have to face another. 

It turns out, that what you think could happen in your life and as much as you think something won’t happen to you, there is a great chance that it could. I really can not believe how naive I was going into this journey. I was SO set that we weren’t going to face multiple failures and that everything was going to work out perfectly for us and that all the stars aligned but boy was I wrong. You know that Thomas Rhett song that says “You make your plans and then you hear God laughing”? Yeah, well that line sums up our entire situation, we had our plans set but God had a different idea on how these plans we had made were going to go.

I have been sent multiple messages and still receive messages now from people who I haven’t talked to in years telling me they are thinking of us and they are praying for us or something they have seen remind them of us and it means the world to both of us. While this heartbreak has been awful, I’m tearing up writing this post and I want a baby in our arms more than I can explain in a simple blog post, I am also grateful that this has happened to us. I’m grateful that we were chosen to fight this battle and show others that this mountain in front of us can be moved. If I can give just one other person comfort from sharing our story and our heartbreak with them, then I feel accomplished. Now, when I can stand in front of all of you and tell you we have overcame this mountain in our lives, I will feel on top of the world but until then, I am still grateful for our journey, our love, and the fight that we both have had in us during this time.