IVF BRAIN

You know how people talk about pregnancy brain well currently I am suffering from IVF brain. It’s a real thing and I’m pretty sure my brain has gone missing.

Last cycle I didn’t really feel like this was a huge issue. There were a couple times I would put something down, walk away and a few seconds later ask my husband what I did with said object and he’d give me a strange look and say “uhhhh, right there?” Ooops, yes, yes honey, that is exactly where I put it, you’re right. *face palm* But really, I never felt super off, I just had some ‘blonde’ moments, if you will.

This cycle though is a completely different story. If I’m being at all honest, I’m impressed that I made it home from my acupuncture (yes, I’m doing acupuncture for Ranger but more on that in a later post) appointment in one piece or that I didn’t get lost en route. Monday I put my frozen meal in the fridge and when I went to look for it at lunchtime, I was extremely frustrated that someone ate my lunch. But then I found it in the fridge, so all was good except for that brain of mine. Today I ran one red light and about ran the other from just being in a fog. I was looking right at the light and still managed to run it.

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I haven’t felt like myself this last week and haven’t quite felt like my body is mine anymore (which when you go through IVF, your body doesn’t feel like yours for the duration because your medical staff is in complete control over it). I feel like I’ve been in a complete fog and everything is a bit hazy. I’ve messaged my husband a few times and asked him when it was his turn to feel this way because I wasn’t sure if I could take it anymore. He always reassures me that I can do it and if he could take a turn, he would in a heartbeat to give me a break. What a man, right? 🙂

We haven’t given many updates this cycle but all in all, it has been a lot kinder to my body than the last was. We have found our peace with our last transfer failing and have chosen to focus on Ranger and our next transfer date (which has been given to us and will share at a later time). If I have to feel like I’m in a constant fog/haze and like my brain has gone out the window 24/7 for Ranger to be our take home baby, then I will do it with no hesitations.

*disclosure: if this sounds like a jumbled mess, I’m blaming IVF brain – HA!*

 

 

 

 

1 in 8

June is World Infertility Awareness month. This is the month for the world to be more aware of infertility and how it could be or could affect those close to them. This is the month to start talking about it.

When we realized something was wrong and we needed to seek out help from medical professionals we vowed to keep it to ourselves. We did not open up about what we were going through. We thought that we needed to keep it a secret from everyone. Friends. Family. Everyone. This worked for about a month then things started getting a little more serious than Clomid and blood tests, we learned about blocked tubes and if we ever wanted to conceive, it’d have to be through IVF. Once we learned this we realized we couldn’t keep this to ourselves any longer, we realized that this situation needed much more support than the two of us could give, it felt like it was so much bigger than us, the mountain was much too tall.

I started blogging but I only did it as therapy, if you will, for myself, we started opening up to friends and our family and once we started opening up, it felt good, SO good. Then we thought, we aren’t the only people to have walked this earth who have been down this road, what if we could choose to be open about our experience and share all of the raw details? What if we choose to share all of our happy moments along with the heartbreaking ones? What if our story could help just one person to not feel so lonely? What if we could give just one person a safe haven to reach out and talk about their story that they have kept in the dark for far too long? So we chose to be transparent with you all and there still has not been a day that we have regretted it.

Through being open and honest we have been shown that we have an army of people behind us, we have been shown support beyond belief, we have been in many people’s thoughts and prayers, strangers have reached out to share their story and I have met some very amazing women who have been through infertility treatments and opened up to me about their experience. These women have been my backbone to get through this. I know that I can be raw and open with them and quite frankly, they understand all of it because they have lived this firsthand. BUT –  What if we hadn’t chosen to be open about our journey? I never would have met these women and we never would have known the immense support and love that we have been shown. This is the situation and reality for many struggling through infertility. It feels like you should be ashamed for not being able to conceive, it feels like it is something that you should not talk openly about, it feels like there is no one else in the entire world who is facing or who has faced the same struggles as you. If there is one word that I could use to describe infertility, it would be ‘lonely’.

But think of this, 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility. Wow. That sure is a large amount of people. To put it into perspective next time to go to the grocery store, to work, to the gas station or just in your neighborhood, every 8th couple has struggled, will struggle or is struggling with infertility.

If you are struggling with infertility, please know that you are not alone, please know that this does not define you, please know that you will get over this bump that feels like a mountain. If you need someone to talk to, I will be a listening ear. I will be your safe haven because you will need all the support you can get, this is a hurdle but you can and will get over it.

If you have a friend or family member who is struggling, please just reach out to them and let them know that you are in their corner. Let them know that you care about them and are there for a listening ear even if you can’t relate, don’t let them feel alone in this journey.

I am 1 in 8.

Choices

Hi all –  long time, no talk. We’re still here trucking along.

I know we’ve been fairly quiet since letting you all know that our transfer failed, but turns out that some days are still a bit difficult. I still find it hard to spend a lot of time away from my husband as he’s my comfort through all of this and I know I can be an open book and let him know every thought I have at the second it crosses my mind without him thinking I’m a crazy woman (or maybe he does think I’m a little crazy sometimes, but he does a good job of hiding it – Ha!). Sometimes I think we forget that we are on this winding road and our lives feel less heavy and less busy but then something reminds us that we haven’t found our success quite yet and the day becomes a little darker.

A few days ago I was going on and on about our journey to my husband and I asked him how he doesn’t seem as upset and he said that he does get upset but he chooses to focus on what’s to come for us. He chooses not to stress over what has already happened and chooses to remains hopeful that Ranger will be our baby.

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While I still find times that I am struggling and can’t put what I’m feeling into word, I agree whole heartedly with him. What will be, will be. We can’t dwell over what has already come and gone, we’ve already lived it and felt it (and honestly are still feeling it), we must choose to look forward at what our future holds and remain hopeful and full of faith that we will find success in our journey. This road we’re on, like anything in life, is all about choices and frankly the biggest choice we can make right now is whether we are going to remain hopeful and positive or whether we are going to sit and be sad by the cards we have been dealt. Honestly, I still feel upset by our outcome but along with those feelings of hurt I am going to still choose to be hopeful and optimistic and put all of my faith into Ranger.

Someday we will look back and all of this waiting, hurt, anxiousness, stress, and heaviness will all make sense. Someday when we are holding our Baby A in our arms, we will feel so full of love. Everything will feel like it has fallen into place for us and we will be forever grateful for our journey and the things that it has taught us.

Right now our troubles feel so big. It feels like we are climbing mountain after mountain, and I can’t wait for the day that all of this seems so small and just like a little bump in the road because although it doesn’t feel that way now, that’s exactly what it is – a small bump in the road and detour to our destination.

We’re not far out from our transfer of Ranger and even through the dark, he or she is our light and we are so blessed to have that babe to give us another shot.