Ranger & a Plan

Let’s not beat around the bush and just cut right to the chase. Unfortunately, we are not pregnant. Our transfer of two beautiful, excellent graded embryos failed. In all honesty (and almost embarrassingly), I never thought that I would be writing a post saying that we are not pregnant. This came as such a shock and surprise to us.

The morning that our beta was scheduled I took a home pregnancy test. This was our plan because I didn’t want to be caught off guard by what the phone call later in the day would tell me. I wanted to be ready for the news we would receive. That home test came back negative as negative can be. Starch white. One line. Where’s the second line? Nonexistent.

I laid in bed and cried to my husband and he kept his optimism. He kept saying we don’t know for sure yet. Your blood test could still come back positive, don’t lose your faith. When I went for my blood test I sat and cried to the lab tech about my negative home test. She was so sad for us and said sometimes the body just rejects the embryo(s) and there’s no reason why. She said sometimes it takes a couple times before your body accepts an embryo.

Later the nurse called and told us what we already knew. Just about ten minutes later, the doctor called. He sounded so defeated. My husband and I felt defeated, but the doctor sounded defeated. He was so shocked that these were our results, he had no rhyme or reason as to why our embryos didn’t stick because everything had gone so perfectly and smoothly. He told us that once my cycle started, we could gear up for the transfer of our last embryo or we could wait. He said whenever we are ready, he is ready. He said that he really believes that our last embryo will be our baby.

Going into this IVF journey my biggest fear was that my body would reject or almost go into ‘shock’ once the embryos were transferred because I have never been pregnant before. Now, we are living and have lived my biggest fear. It’s been a tough, exhausting and very long week but we made it through. We have made it through the darkest of times and now we are ready to face the sun again, put our trust in God and our doctor and transfer our Lone Ranger embryo.

We now refer to our last Lone Ranger embryo as Ranger. Who knows maybe if Ranger sticks and decides to make us a mommy and daddy, we’ll just go ahead and name him or her, Ranger.

This past week I have found it extremely hard to be around anyone other than my husband. It’s hard for others to understand the pain and heartbreak that comes along with this. Technically, we were never pregnant but the embryos were in there and we saw them in there. That is enough in itself to feel like we are parents and enough in itself to make us feel like we lost 2 babies.

This isn’t the end of our story and we will not give up. Giving up is not in our blood and is not an option to either of us. We will see this through. We have made a plan and hopefully God will choose Ranger to be our baby. This is merely a bump in the road and a detour to our destination.

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