IVF become SO emotional

Well folks, we finally have started our IVF journey. As opposite as it may sound, when your time comes to go down this path the very first step is….. BIRTH CONTROL. Yes, you heard that right, as part of protocol, they put you on birth control for 3 weeks and a few odd days depending on where your cycle falls. We made some fun out of this and I made sure to text my husband and tell him not to worry cause I can’t get pregnant now that I’m on birth control (ha ha!).

This week and next week are our easiest weeks. The only medication I will be taking daily during this time is the birth control, a baby aspirin, my prenatal vitamins and Vitamin D 4000 IU. After next week, the meds just keep adding on. I don’t even like taking Advil when I have a headache but here I am putting many medications and vitamins into my body all to hopefully help us start our family.

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Oh the irony…

I don’t know if it’s my body trying to get used to the bc pills, the anxiety of how this will turn out for us, my husband being gone for the past week, the busyness and stress of work right now (thanks Uncle Sam) or maybe it’s a combination of all of them, but I have turned into Bipolar Betty.

My poor husband. He has to hear about every meltdown or any small thing that sets me off. Let’s just get this out there, it’s never him, I’m never mad at him, he just is the one that has to hear about it. This week I realized that I forgot to pay one of our bills this month, I mean really not a big deal, pay it and be done with it, right? Wrong. I went on for an hour having a total meltdown over this until my husband was able to talk some sense into me and pick me up off the floor.

I cried at least 10 times yesterday literally over everything, I cried because my husband won an award, I cried at a commercial on TV, I cried because it was snowing and then I cried and I thought to myself, “Why are you crying?”. I didn’t have any reason other than I just was. This is coming from a person who rarely cries, honestly, not much makes that happen, but this journey sure will.

I haven’t even started stimulation injections yet and I am already this emotional, I wonder how the next 6 weeks are going to go? I made a comment to my husband about how we still have 6 more weeks of this and I’m not even into the worst part yet and his only reply was, “Bring it on.” Seriously, that man is a Godsend. I would not be able to go through this without him.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we endure this journey that could be so life changing for us and as our wait for Baby A, God willing, comes to a close. Also, maybe ask the man up above to give my husband the strength he will need to listen to my meltdowns. Thank goodness he grew up with 2 sisters and dealing with these type of things is second nature to him.

 

It’s not so bad to wait

Currently, we are in a waiting phase. Our past few months have been full of ‘hurry up and wait’ moments. We have had moments completely full of excitement that we are finally getting somewhere and moments that have been full of waiting, dreaming, hoping, wishing and waiting some more. Both my husband and I are instant gratification people. When we set our minds on something, we make it happen and will go to all ends and extremes to achieve it. Then, we decided we wanted our own Baby A.

We have been told over and over that God’s timing is perfect. We have been told that He will make it happen when the timing is right. We have been told that God is in control. We have been told to have patience because God has a plan.

After initially feeling a bit defeated when learning what our future held and at the same time begging God to just let this happen for us and we would never ask for anything else ever again, I have realized something so completely important. It’s not so bad to wait. Not everything has to happen so instantaneously. There is so much truth behind those things we were told.

Just because we have been asked to wait, does not mean that we are sitting around twiddling our thumbs. We have filled our time with preparation for our future, laughter as our days to give our full selves to each other one hundred percent of the time are numbered, learning and making every moment count. This waiting period for us has been a hidden blessing.

When the time finally comes that I can tell my husband we are expecting the way I have always dreamed about or when we get to argue over baby names or when we finally get to share the moment of bringing life into this world together or when we get to teach our mini’s to ride a bike or take them to their first wrestling or dance practices, the wait will be worth it. The wait will make things that much sweeter.

 

 

 

His timing, not mine.

It has been about 5 days since we took a leap of faith and shared our story on social media. When I started blogging I only shared my posts with, like, 4 people. I was so hesitant to let people in to see me so vulnerable and raw. Once we learned that IVF would be our future, I immediately wanted to share our story mainly because I wanted to open conversation with others and luckily my husband was on the same page as I was. But here’s my problem, I like people to think that I am hard, have thick skin all of the time and that there isn’t anything that’ll shake me. I’m not a crier, I see the positive side of almost everything, I can go with the flow, and I do have thick skin but I’m human and sometimes my guard does comes down and that is what you see in my blog, all of these vulnerable, raw moments. So with that being said, there was a lot of hesitation and once I finally posted it, I immediately felt like I couldn’t breathe because I didn’t know what kind of feedback we would get. Was it going to be positive, negative, or would there be any at all?

After posting my blog and a quick blurb about our reality we had so many people reach out to us. It was amazing. People I haven’t talked to in years sent me messages telling me they are so glad I shared our story and that they had a similar story. Complete strangers reached out to me to tell me their story. Complete strangers reached out to me to tell me they have been touched by our story and will be praying for us. I learned that there are many people who have been through IVF or who have had a close friend/family member go through this process. When we posted our story, it was incredible to see how many people were open to sharing theirs with us. It made my heart ache to hear others stories and to hear them say how they didn’t feel comfortable opening up to people about their experiences. It makes my heart hurt that they had to face this struggle on their own. I had people reach out to me and tell me to make sure that AJ and I lean on each other through this and that we are kind to each other everyday. I heard stories from others who said that their infertility ruined their marriage because neither them or their spouse were sure how to handle that much heart break. This breaks my heart right down the middle. Maybe if we lived in a society that was more educated about infertility or one that doesn’t look the other way when the talk of infertility comes up, there wouldn’t be so many relationships being broken by it. I agree, you should be able to lean on your partner during this, but at the same time, the more people that know, the more people you have to talk to about it and you aren’t relying 100% on each other to put all the pieces back together every single time you break. It’s hard to think about anything else or put energy into anything else once you get started down this road and that can weigh so heavily on both of you. Just having someone else, like a neutral ground, to listen to you blow off some steam can make a world of difference.

It’s 2018. I don’t think infertility is as scary as a topic as it used to be, but it still isn’t something that gets brought up very often. I totally get it, I was a little embarrassed by it at first as well and had a hard time talking about it. I kept thinking I’m 23, how in the world am I not reproducing like a rabbit? I should┬ábe reproducing like a rabbit. But as it turns out, our story is different and these are the cards we have been dealt. God is in control. He is always in control. I truly believe that He will bless us when the time is right. His timing, not mine.

AJ and I were so extremely blessed when we posted about our struggle publicly. As his mom said, we have an army of people praying for us and our story really has touched so many people. We have received nothing but positive feedback. We are still overwhelmed by all of the people who have been encouraging, kind, shown their support and love, who have let us know that we are in their prayers or who have told us that they are thinking of us. I have no words to accurately explain how thankful we are for all of these people who are in our corner and cheering us on. Not only are we blessed to have all of this support but our future Baby A or A’s are already SO blessed to come into this world someday with all of you rooting for them.

 

 

Are you sure?

I had surgery to tie my tubes on Friday. Yes, I’m 23 years young and already have my tubes tied. I guess when they don’t do the job that they are supposed to, we might as well just kiss them good-bye.

When the nurse brought me back for surgery prep, she did all the normal tests and then started asking me questions. It started out with if I had ever had a heart attack, a stroke, fallen and hit my head in the past 6 months, when I ate/drank last and if I had any metal in my body. Lastly she asked me what I was there for and what kind of surgery I was having. I told her a laparoscopy to either tie my tubes are remove them completely. She asked me if I was sure about that and I told her I was positive. She came back in the room 10 minutes later and asked AGAIN. I gave her the same answer and her reply was, “Well I am going to talk to your doctor to see what he is doing during the laparoscopy today.” OK lady, I’m pretty sure I know what I am here for, I’m already not excited about it and I’ve never had surgery so I’m a little nervous as it is, so could you just take my word for it and leave it alone? I saw her outside of my prep room talking to my doctor and he gave her the same answer I did. I wonder how silly she felt. I mean I do get it. I’m only 23 years old and I don’t have any children. Most doctors won’t tie your tubes unless you have kids, have a medical reason (me), or are a certain age.

My surgery went great and when I woke up, I really wasn’t in much pain. I slept for most of the day. The day after and today, I have been more sore than I was the day of. My husband, as always, has been a saint. He has kept track of when I take my pain meds, when I can take them again, when I take ibuprofen and when I can take that again. He has made sure I have ice packs and even has gotten up in the middle of the night to grab my meds. My paperwork says I can’t lift anything over 10 pounds, I’m super stubborn so I haven’t exactly been following that rule, except for when my husband gets mad that I am carrying something that looks heavier than my limit (I keep reminding him I just had surgery and I’m not incapable of doing these things, but he does not agree with me on that one). I’m not too sure what I did to get this lucky, but I am so blessed to have him.

Now that surgery is over, we are one step closer to our IVF cycle and to our Baby A. The anticipation and the wait may nearly kill us, but (hopefully) it will be so worth it in just a few short months.