My Husband Gets The Worst Of Me

It has been brought to my attention that on the outside it appears that my husband and I are just floating through the difficult roads we have been on and that we don’t necessarily let it really dig into our relationship. While we have really fought this battle and are handling the situation we have been given tremendously, in my opinion. It is far from fairytale perfect.

Let’s start off with the fact that my husband and I are teammates. To me, we do make the best team. We take turns riding shotgun. If I can’t take control of a situation, if I’m not up to par that day or it may not be my forte’, he takes the driver seat and vice versa. But on the same hand, life isn’t always rainbow and butterflies and there are things that can throw our groove off. Namely; Infertility and IVF.

I’ve always said that I wouldn’t allow what is going on in my life or the hormones affect my mood and especially not towards him. As shameful as I am to admit, I have done what I said I wouldn’t do. Some days, my husband gets the worst of me. Some days I have worried and stressed over this journey so much that I have nothing left. Some days I feel like I exhaust myself trying to do everything (because I think I’m superwoman). Some days, I simply just try to hold it all together. And by the end of those days, the best of me seems to be gone. I pick petty fights, I’m too tired to cook, the clothes in the washer have been washed 3 times and are still waiting to be moved to the dryer, or I just don’t feel like moving from the couch. Those are the days; he gets the worst of me.

Sometimes we bicker and fight over everything possible because the weight of what we are trying to balance has felt super heavy that day and/or week. Sometimes just my husband getting to do something relaxing and fun for him triggers jealousy in me. Jealousy that my life seems to revolve around the next medication, the next doctor appointment and working. If we are being truthful and I’m not dwelling in jealousy, his life also revolves around those things. He also deserves to be treated and to find relaxation. He may not be the one acting as a human pincushion or rushing back and forth between appointments but he is also battling through this infertility journey right along with me for our sweet Baby A’s.

I think it’s really easy to get caught up in this journey. I think it’s easy to get caught up in ourselves, in our situation, to sometimes just feel sorry for yourself, and to forget that you are not in this alone. All of these things can really make crossing into the angry-at-everyone side very, very easy. Your spouse is going through this too. Your family is hurting for you. Your friends are rooting for you to find success. You aren’t the slightest bit alone, unless you choose to be.

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So while we are not just floating through this winding road and taking every hit with a smile, we still, for lack of better terms, are crushing it. Yeah, the stress may bring on a few more arguments than usual and sometimes it seems like it’s never ending. But when we really reflect, what you are seeing on the outside still stands true. The laughing-until-we-cry, the goofs, the jokes, the smooches on the cheek, the butt slaps, the one million ‘honey’s’ we throw around and the I-love-you’s ARE what our relationship is.

 

Round II.

 

IMG_1891We’re jumping right back into IVF with both feet.

Today we had our consult at the University of Iowa, which is a new clinic to us, if you remember, we mentioned that we were going to make a switch in our medical team and clinic. I don’t remember being nervous when we went for a consult at our last clinic, but holy smokes, I was nervous today. I was sweating horribly and had to lean over and ask my husband multiple times if he could smell me cause I was sure I had sweat through everything that was supposed to make me smell good (cute, right?).

When we finally were called back, we were greeted by such a sweet older lady who explained the ugly financial stuff to us. Next, the nurse came in and right away, I liked her and felt like we were exactly where we should be. She was such a sweet girl and very happy and cheerful. Which was so inviting and showed that she really does love her job. I mean, how could you not? She gets to help infertile couples become parents on a daily basis, that has to be uplifting in itself.

We were given a little room there that had a desk, computer, couch and TV in it to spend the length of our appointment. The consult was a marathon and lasted 4 hours but it helped to have a room to stay in, instead of being shuffled back and forth. We met with an ultrasound technician for an ultrasound where they found a total of 24 follicles
(!!!!!!!!!) (follicles are the little guys that hold eggs, remember?) and had a mock transfer to make sure when the time comes, everything can go as smoothly as possible.

We also met with two doctors while we were there who helped explain how they do things, what their thoughts were on our IVF history and also to answer any (about 100) questions that we had. While they can’t give us definite answers on why our embryos did not implant the last two transfers, they reassured us that it was not our fault and that we could become pregnant via IVF. It wasn’t long into the marathon that I broke down crying and said that I wanted to do anything possible to not go through what we’ve already been through, again. Everyone we met with were so sweet and kept saying that they know we have been through a lot this past year and helped to pump us full of hope and belief in what they do.

We actually get to start our IVF cycle very soon and we both are eager to jump back into it. It sounds like the doctors found some things that they believe should be changed in our protocol but will let us know what is going to be our concoction of meds soon. We only met with 2 of the doctors today but they have 12 doctors who help with IVF at the University of Iowa. They meet all together every Tuesday and discuss cases. They said that they would bring our case up at their next meeting and make sure everyone is on board with the decisions they made today and what our protocol should be, then call and let us know what they find.

It also turns out that the University of Iowa is nationally known for how good they are at In-Vitro Fertilization, so I believe we will be getting the best of the best care. If they are half as thorough at every appointment as they were today, we are in such good hands.

After today’s marathon, I think our heads will be spinning for a week with ALL the information that was thrown at us, but the most important thing that we gained today was hope. We feel like this was the best decision we could have made and that we really are on the path to our sweet Baby A.

A Green Little Monster

Someone very near and dear to me who has had a long infertility journey themselves, sent me a message today asking me how I don’t get a jealous green monster on my shoulder when I see others who have been blessed with what I’ve been begging God for. Truth be told, at first I was proud. I was proud of myself that I have not shown that side of me and proud that others have not recognized it either. But quite frankly, it took me a bit to think of an answer and to really ponder, how I hide that side and  how I get past that awful feeling.

If I am being 100% truthful and showing the world my real, raw self, I do get jealous. I do find myself feeling bitter. I do have an awful, ugly side. Every once in a while, that jealous green monster does show up on my shoulder.

Almost daily, I have to remind myself that everyone’s story is different. What someone else’s story looks like is always going to be different from yours. When that jealousy creeps up sometimes, I have to remind myself that we can only see what others choose to show. Although, I may be focusing on the fact that someone is expecting and I wish I could say the same, they may be fighting another battle in their life that no one knows anything about and maybe that battle would be something that I couldn’t get through. I also remind myself that this infertility journey we are on was God’s plan. I whole-heartedly believe that we were chosen to conquer this and to be open about it to help others.

I would never wish infertility on anyone. If I had enemies, I would not wish this on them. As positive as I have been throughout this, this is really an awful, horrible winding road. The amount of heartbreak you face, all of the medicine, all of the pokes and prods, and all of the times that you lose ALL modesty is so incredibly hard to learn how to maneuver. When I find myself feeling bitter or feeling a little jealous towards a person, I have to remind myself of what we have been through and how I would never wish this to be someone else’s journey. This has been a very hard hand of cards that we have been dealt, and quite frankly, when people find out that they are going to be joining us on this road, my heart breaks a little bit for them and my husband and I both feel so horrible that this hand is also the hand they have been dealt. So, while I may feel a bit of jealousy every now and again, I would never wish for anyone to be given the news that they cannot conceive on their own.

This road has definitely shown me how ugly I can be and how bitter and angry I can get. But at the same time, it has shown me how kind I can be. It has shown me that although jealousy may creep up on me, that is not the person I want others to think of me by. This road is a complete mental game. You have to keep yourself looking towards the positive aspects because it is SO easy to slip and fall down to a point that is hard to come up from.

At the end of the day, having a baby or not having a baby does not define me or us. At the end of the day the things that define me is whether I showed off that little ugly, jealous green monster or whether I showed someone just how supportive and kind I can be. At the end of the day, the choice is mine whether I will let this road we are on define me or if I will overcome what has been laid in front of me. Honestly, I want to be able to lay down at night and know that I was the best version of myself that day and that I did not use my struggle with infertility as an excuse for any negative actions.

Not me.

Something that has been on repeat in my head, as selfish as it is, is “That won’t happen to me/us.” Looking back on this journey, I can see just how naive I was when we started and even before that. I remember telling people that I thought IVF was an ‘easy’ way to have babies and if we ever had infertility issues, I would just want to jump to IVF because that would be the easiest way to get pregnant. I’m embarrassed to even admit how uneducated I was while making that statement because nothing about IVF is ‘easy’.

Before we went to the doctor for the first time, I remember making every excuse in the book as to why we weren’t getting pregnant. Because in my head, we weren’t going to be one of those couples who suffer from infertility and I just couldn’t understand why we could be on of those couples. I couldn’t understand what we had done wrong in our short lives to deserve this. But low and behold, we are ‘one of those couples’.

When we first started injections and the question about what happens if it doesn’t work came up, I gave a good response about how we would try again but in my head, I was astonished that someone would even ask me that because that wasn’t going to happen to us. We weren’t going to be one of those couples who had to fight and fight and fight to have a baby. We’d already fought long enough, it was our time to have a baby and that’s what this IVF opportunity was going to give us. 

After our first failed transfer, I was SURE that we were going to get pregnant the next time because everything checked out perfectly and again, I didn’t think that multiple failures was going to happen to us. Again, why would we have to suffer through multiple failures and multiple heart breaks to have a baby? We had already gone through so many hurdles to begin with.. we weren’t going to have to face another. 

It turns out, that what you think could happen in your life and as much as you think something won’t happen to you, there is a great chance that it could. I really can not believe how naive I was going into this journey. I was SO set that we weren’t going to face multiple failures and that everything was going to work out perfectly for us and that all the stars aligned but boy was I wrong. You know that Thomas Rhett song that says “You make your plans and then you hear God laughing”? Yeah, well that line sums up our entire situation, we had our plans set but God had a different idea on how these plans we had made were going to go.

I have been sent multiple messages and still receive messages now from people who I haven’t talked to in years telling me they are thinking of us and they are praying for us or something they have seen remind them of us and it means the world to both of us. While this heartbreak has been awful, I’m tearing up writing this post and I want a baby in our arms more than I can explain in a simple blog post, I am also grateful that this has happened to us. I’m grateful that we were chosen to fight this battle and show others that this mountain in front of us can be moved. If I can give just one other person comfort from sharing our story and our heartbreak with them, then I feel accomplished. Now, when I can stand in front of all of you and tell you we have overcame this mountain in our lives, I will feel on top of the world but until then, I am still grateful for our journey, our love, and the fight that we both have had in us during this time.

Taking a Step Back

This season of life, guys, it’s hard. We found out this week that our second transfer, with our last remaining embryo, failed. I haven’t wanted to deal with this news and I haven’t wanted to talk about it but with a push from my husband and remembering that my blog was made for a place to share our journey and all the details, good and/or bad, as real and raw as I could, I knew I needed to share.

Again, we knew going into our appointment that our transfer had failed and once again, seeing a negative test shocked me. Everything felt different this time but apparently it wasn’t a good different. I think we both are more frustrated this time around that we had another failed transfer. I know sometimes the body just rejects it and there’s nothing anyone can do but we just feel frustrated that nothing was changed in our protocol for this transfer.

We have decided to take a step back from IVF for a few months. We both feel that it is important to really be in the moment in our relationship and focus on us for the time being. We have spent many days, nights, and weekends stressed over our infertility journey and all of 2018 has been devoted to it. We are heartbroken about our failed transfer but at the same time, we are ready to try to relax a little and focus on the two of us.

We also made the decision to make a switch in doctors and fertility clinics. We have our consult mid-September but we won’t be starting another cycle until closer to the end of 2018. Along with the time off and hopefully being able to get some R&R, my body needs a break. It has been drowned in synthetic hormones for nearly 7 months now. It also has gone through a surgery, a retrieval and two transfers. I can tell that my body and mind just need a break from everything we have asked of it in the past months.

While I wish our story would have been different, I still am finding appreciation in it. My husband and I’s relationship has grown so far and so deep when I thought that we were already in the best place possible. This journey has grown our bond to be so strong and our love has grown so much deeper. So with that, I am appreciative of our journey and even appreciative of the heartbreak we have faced. If we can face this storm hand-in-hand, I don’t see anything else that could tear us down.

Number 3, Ranger.

Getting right to the point, Ranger is onboard. Yesterday, we had our transfer and honestly, I don’t think that anything could have gone any better for us.

Let’s talk about the build up to this transfer. After our failed fresh cycle of the two embryos, I decided I wanted to research and make some changes. Several studies have shown that acupuncture is linked with successful transfers and after talking with our nurse and with her referral, I started acupuncture. My treatments were 3 times a week for about 4 weeks up until transfer. The acupuncture is supposed to help with blood flow to your lady bits, which in return, helps with implantation and having a sticky thick lining. It also just feels amazing and it was a nice, stress-free break from reality for 30 minutes 3 times a week. I definitely thought acupuncture was a bunch of mumbo jumbo until I started, now I would recommend it for anyone.

When we received our calendar this time, a number caught my eye right away. Our baseline appointment was on July 3rd, our transfer of our 3rd embryo (Ranger) which was graded 3AB was on July 13, if successful our due date would be March 31st and Ranger would turn us into a party of 3. Now I’m not big into superstitions, but I am sure hoping that the number 3 is our lucky number.

This transfer I have played along with a lot of old wives tales. I’ve drank Pomegranate juice (which I actually love) everyday, I had McDonald’s French fries right afterwards, AJ cut me up a fresh pineapple and I have divided the core into 5 days worth and I’ve also worn socks since after our transfer (and I hate socks) because they say keeping your feet warm, keeps your uterus warm. It’s kind of been fun to participate in all of these old wives tales so we will see how true they hold up in a few weeks.

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I wanted to leave this picture a little bit bigger so that you could see the fetus outline I mention below on the right side of Ranger.

So what about Ranger and our transfer? Right when we got into the room yesterday the first thing the nurse said was that our embryo looked really good which was a HUGE relief right off the bat. Once we got to really looking at our embryo, you can tell that it has started hatching at the bottom and hopefully has continued after transfer. Hatching is a really good sign and needs to happen for a successful implantation. The most amazing thing about Ranger is that if you look closely at the embryo, on the right side there is an outline of what looks like a little fetus to me (AJ thinks it looks like a dog but I’m just marking that up to him being a guy ;)). I simply can’t get over Ranger or that little fetus outline, it has made my heart so happy.

I have spent the majority of my time in the last few weeks bending God’s ear about Ranger. I’ve been praying cooking dinner, laying down before bed, in the shower, in the car driving, and I spent my entire acupuncture appointment on Thursday praying. I know that he has heard all of these prayers and I know that whatever the outcome is, that it was His plan. All of my faith is in His hands and I know that He will show us His grace whether it’s in a tiny little face or whether it’s by gracing us with all the strength and support that we need.

Please send good vibes our way. Please include a little prayer for us while you’re talking to God. We can still use all of them. We have been blessed thus far with the enormous amount of support and love that we have been shown and couldn’t have made it through without it.

Guilty

Since starting our infertility journey I have felt and dealt with an enormous amount of guilt. This isn’t just guilt over the fact that we are going through all of this because of my blocked tubes, but guilt over everyday life, over normal everyday activities. Now I find myself thinking twice or three times before coming to a decision that normally, I would have made in split second if we weren’t on this road. I want to share a few with you to give you a glimmer of life on this road.

 

Food, Caffeine & Alcoholic Beverages

This is my biggest guilt. Sushi is one of my favorite foods. After a long day, a nice cold beer sounds great. I almost always need a coffee in the morning or a soda/tea for a pick me up in the afternoons. Watching the Bachelorette on Monday nights, a glass of wine will almost always be accompanying me through the show. When we had our consult for IVF, I cut out all adult beverages almost completely, I started trying to eat like I was already pregnant and I cut out caffeine almost completely. I had a glass of wine here or there and one drink a couple nights before I started stimming, but I never indulged in more than one or even having one beverage more than once per week. I had coffee every so often in the mornings but mostly tried to stay away from it. A few weekends ago, I definitely had a little too much fun at a wedding and guilt flooded me for the next few days. I talked with one of my IVF friends about this and we discussed how it is so unfair that we have to worry about such little things like this. One night of indulging in too much fun isn’t going to ruin my chances. Having two cups of coffee one morning isn’t going to make or break the deal. Having a cold turkey sandwich for lunch isn’t going to ruin my chances of success. If I were ‘normal’ and could conceive on my own, I wouldn’t have thought twice about any of this. People conceive babies after drinking all too often and people drink in their early pregnancies, before they know they are pregnant, every single day (I’m not condoning this, but it does happen), people eat crap day in and day out and still conceive on their own, people who are addicted to energy drinks don’t have any issues either. Since I know when our transfers will be, these types of things create SO much guilt.

 

Doing Too Much

After we found out that our transfer failed last time, I immediately was consumed with guilt. Guilt that this was entirely my fault. Guilt that I went on with life after our transfer as I normally would. There are many studies out there, some say you should do bed rest after your transfer and some say to take it easy the day of but to go back to normal life the next day. The day of our transfer, I took it easy, but I was definitely on my feet for most of the day and went back to work the following. I didn’t slow down during our two-week window. I carried things that I probably shouldn’t have and worked my body too much. I kept wondering, did our transfer fail because I carried that lawn chair? Did our transfer fail because I didn’t go home and take a nap? Did our transfer fail because I’m stubborn and feel the need to carry every grocery sack into the house at once? Did our transfer fail because I like hot showers?  But truth be told, if those embryos were meant to be our babies, they would have cozied up regardless of how I chose to go about the day of our transfer (even though this time, I plan to do the opposite of everything I did last time J ). I knew that to be true, but still the guilt came.

 

Survivor’s Guilt

I am overwhelmed and praying that Ranger will be our baby but at the same time I am so worried about having survivor’s guilt. I don’t know how I can face everyone and be SO happy that we are finally successful in our journey while there are still others out there who are on this road, just starting this road, or their road has had more detours than ours. I know what it’s like to tell you that our transfer failed but I don’t know what it’ll be like or how I’ll feel coming out and telling you all that we are pregnant, God willingly. We haven’t had our next transfer yet and just the thought of becoming pregnant almost makes me feel guilty. I don’t want to ever forget about this journey we are on and I don’t want others to think that I’ve moved on and forgot how hard it was, because I won’t ever forget these moments & the heartbreak we have faced during this journey.

 

Being a ‘lucky one’

I’ve touched on this before, but while scrolling through an IVF page I’m a part of, I can’t help but feel guilt that we have it so ‘easy’ with the coverage we have received from our insurance. There are a lot of couples out there who find out they need IVF and have to put the dream of having a family on hold for a couple years before they are able to afford to have children. We were so lucky that our insurance covered so much and we could start the following month after our consult. I feel so guilty (and thankful/blessed) reading other people’s financial burdens in this process while we have had smooth sailing in that department.

 

Jealousy Guilt

Sometimes I find myself feeling a little bit of jealousy over others being able to conceive so easily. How is it that all it takes for some people is for their husband to look at them and boom, they are pregnant. Why is it that my husband and I are not that lucky? Why is it that we have to live with the burden of infertility? After the jealousy and the questioning comes the guilt. Guilt that I felt jealous over someone else making another life and guilt that I questioned our journey at all. Truth is, I’m not jealous but sometimes when you’re working this hard for something, every once and awhile you just get those feelings of wanting what others have and can have so easily.

 

When you are trying everything you can to have a baby and knowing that this is your only way to conceive, it really consumes your life and your mind. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t lay down at night and question some of the things I did that day and whether it will affect our chances at having a successful cycle. I feel as if I carry so much responsibility with this situation, I’ve told my husband multiple times that I wish he could take a turn at trying to carry a baby. I know that our time will come one way or another and the control is in God’s hands but sometimes you just can’t help but feel the guilt when you are putting your all into having a baby but also trying to live your life until that time comes. It all becomes a balancing act that you feel you can’t ever get just right.

IVF BRAIN

You know how people talk about pregnancy brain well currently I am suffering from IVF brain. It’s a real thing and I’m pretty sure my brain has gone missing.

Last cycle I didn’t really feel like this was a huge issue. There were a couple times I would put something down, walk away and a few seconds later ask my husband what I did with said object and he’d give me a strange look and say “uhhhh, right there?” Ooops, yes, yes honey, that is exactly where I put it, you’re right. *face palm* But really, I never felt super off, I just had some ‘blonde’ moments, if you will.

This cycle though is a completely different story. If I’m being at all honest, I’m impressed that I made it home from my acupuncture (yes, I’m doing acupuncture for Ranger but more on that in a later post) appointment in one piece or that I didn’t get lost en route. Monday I put my frozen meal in the fridge and when I went to look for it at lunchtime, I was extremely frustrated that someone ate my lunch. But then I found it in the fridge, so all was good except for that brain of mine. Today I ran one red light and about ran the other from just being in a fog. I was looking right at the light and still managed to run it.

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I haven’t felt like myself this last week and haven’t quite felt like my body is mine anymore (which when you go through IVF, your body doesn’t feel like yours for the duration because your medical staff is in complete control over it). I feel like I’ve been in a complete fog and everything is a bit hazy. I’ve messaged my husband a few times and asked him when it was his turn to feel this way because I wasn’t sure if I could take it anymore. He always reassures me that I can do it and if he could take a turn, he would in a heartbeat to give me a break. What a man, right? 🙂

We haven’t given many updates this cycle but all in all, it has been a lot kinder to my body than the last was. We have found our peace with our last transfer failing and have chosen to focus on Ranger and our next transfer date (which has been given to us and will share at a later time). If I have to feel like I’m in a constant fog/haze and like my brain has gone out the window 24/7 for Ranger to be our take home baby, then I will do it with no hesitations.

*disclosure: if this sounds like a jumbled mess, I’m blaming IVF brain – HA!*

 

 

 

 

1 in 8

June is World Infertility Awareness month. This is the month for the world to be more aware of infertility and how it could be or could affect those close to them. This is the month to start talking about it.

When we realized something was wrong and we needed to seek out help from medical professionals we vowed to keep it to ourselves. We did not open up about what we were going through. We thought that we needed to keep it a secret from everyone. Friends. Family. Everyone. This worked for about a month then things started getting a little more serious than Clomid and blood tests, we learned about blocked tubes and if we ever wanted to conceive, it’d have to be through IVF. Once we learned this we realized we couldn’t keep this to ourselves any longer, we realized that this situation needed much more support than the two of us could give, it felt like it was so much bigger than us, the mountain was much too tall.

I started blogging but I only did it as therapy, if you will, for myself, we started opening up to friends and our family and once we started opening up, it felt good, SO good. Then we thought, we aren’t the only people to have walked this earth who have been down this road, what if we could choose to be open about our experience and share all of the raw details? What if we choose to share all of our happy moments along with the heartbreaking ones? What if our story could help just one person to not feel so lonely? What if we could give just one person a safe haven to reach out and talk about their story that they have kept in the dark for far too long? So we chose to be transparent with you all and there still has not been a day that we have regretted it.

Through being open and honest we have been shown that we have an army of people behind us, we have been shown support beyond belief, we have been in many people’s thoughts and prayers, strangers have reached out to share their story and I have met some very amazing women who have been through infertility treatments and opened up to me about their experience. These women have been my backbone to get through this. I know that I can be raw and open with them and quite frankly, they understand all of it because they have lived this firsthand. BUT –  What if we hadn’t chosen to be open about our journey? I never would have met these women and we never would have known the immense support and love that we have been shown. This is the situation and reality for many struggling through infertility. It feels like you should be ashamed for not being able to conceive, it feels like it is something that you should not talk openly about, it feels like there is no one else in the entire world who is facing or who has faced the same struggles as you. If there is one word that I could use to describe infertility, it would be ‘lonely’.

But think of this, 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility. Wow. That sure is a large amount of people. To put it into perspective next time to go to the grocery store, to work, to the gas station or just in your neighborhood, every 8th couple has struggled, will struggle or is struggling with infertility.

If you are struggling with infertility, please know that you are not alone, please know that this does not define you, please know that you will get over this bump that feels like a mountain. If you need someone to talk to, I will be a listening ear. I will be your safe haven because you will need all the support you can get, this is a hurdle but you can and will get over it.

If you have a friend or family member who is struggling, please just reach out to them and let them know that you are in their corner. Let them know that you care about them and are there for a listening ear even if you can’t relate, don’t let them feel alone in this journey.

I am 1 in 8.

Choices

Hi all –  long time, no talk. We’re still here trucking along.

I know we’ve been fairly quiet since letting you all know that our transfer failed, but turns out that some days are still a bit difficult. I still find it hard to spend a lot of time away from my husband as he’s my comfort through all of this and I know I can be an open book and let him know every thought I have at the second it crosses my mind without him thinking I’m a crazy woman (or maybe he does think I’m a little crazy sometimes, but he does a good job of hiding it – Ha!). Sometimes I think we forget that we are on this winding road and our lives feel less heavy and less busy but then something reminds us that we haven’t found our success quite yet and the day becomes a little darker.

A few days ago I was going on and on about our journey to my husband and I asked him how he doesn’t seem as upset and he said that he does get upset but he chooses to focus on what’s to come for us. He chooses not to stress over what has already happened and chooses to remains hopeful that Ranger will be our baby.

Sunshine

While I still find times that I am struggling and can’t put what I’m feeling into word, I agree whole heartedly with him. What will be, will be. We can’t dwell over what has already come and gone, we’ve already lived it and felt it (and honestly are still feeling it), we must choose to look forward at what our future holds and remain hopeful and full of faith that we will find success in our journey. This road we’re on, like anything in life, is all about choices and frankly the biggest choice we can make right now is whether we are going to remain hopeful and positive or whether we are going to sit and be sad by the cards we have been dealt. Honestly, I still feel upset by our outcome but along with those feelings of hurt I am going to still choose to be hopeful and optimistic and put all of my faith into Ranger.

Someday we will look back and all of this waiting, hurt, anxiousness, stress, and heaviness will all make sense. Someday when we are holding our Baby A in our arms, we will feel so full of love. Everything will feel like it has fallen into place for us and we will be forever grateful for our journey and the things that it has taught us.

Right now our troubles feel so big. It feels like we are climbing mountain after mountain, and I can’t wait for the day that all of this seems so small and just like a little bump in the road because although it doesn’t feel that way now, that’s exactly what it is – a small bump in the road and detour to our destination.

We’re not far out from our transfer of Ranger and even through the dark, he or she is our light and we are so blessed to have that babe to give us another shot.